Sex and the local Supermarket : Blame Stephen

February 28, 2015 / No Comments / Posted in: News

So here’s the thing. I have realised recently that I’ve hit a certain point in my life where, as a single guy, something major has shifted. If I’m to be honest, it’s been sneaking up on me for a little while now, but I failed to recognise it due to the stealthy way it approached.

Is it an age thing?

That’s possible because I’m over 40 now and apparently that means you’re old.

Is it a maturity thing?

I’m extremely doubtful about this because I have the maturity of a Munsters sibling.

Is it a looks thing?

I’m confidant enough in my own skin to think this isn’t the case. I see myself as being better looking now than when I was in my 20′s. I’m no George Clooney, but I’m no Vincent Schiavelli either!

 

So it comes back to one possible reason.

It’s an age thing!

 

What is this big change that I’ve noticed?

Well I have come to realise in the last few months is that I have more chance meeting someone while doing my shopping in the local supermarket than I have while enjoying a drink at the local pub or club.

It’s a strange realisation, yet somewhat sobering to the soul.

The clubs are a young persons hunting ground and that’s the way it always has been and always will be.

Does this mean I’m going to stop going out for a drink or ten?

Or course not. It just means I won’t really be on the lookout for a potential unlucky girl to spend time with haha.

Now, the supermarket … that’s a different beast altogether. It’s a safe environment.

You’re standing there, deciding if you want your loaf of bread to be white, wholemeal, mixed grain, light rye, soy & linseed, pumpkin seed & grain, wholemeal grain, multigrain, high fibre, toast sized slices or sandwich.

What ever happened to just buying a loaf of fucking bread!!!

JEEEEESUS!!

 

So while your brain is hypnotized by the crazy quantity of choices, a guy suddenly smiles at you and says hi. He’s in the same situation as you, dumbfounded by the fact that his life is being taken up by such choices, instead of, perhaps, cooking a nice meal for a nice girl while enjoying a nice conversation.

It’s a simple theory and it’s not something new. I’m not reinventing the wheel. People have been saying for years that the supermarket is a great place to pick up. I’m just stating that I’m now seeing the truth in such a premise.

There’s nothing creepy or threatening about saying hello in the supermarket. There’s no obvious hidden agenda. You aren’t going home to have a shower, put on a nice shirt and some aftershave to hang out in the local market.

It’s a visit in your lunch-time or after work, or a weekend shop to get what’s on your grocery list. You are just you!

Have I picked up in a supermarket?

No. Have I tried? No … but I have glanced at a few left hands recently to see if there was a ring hanging around.

If the opportunity does indeed raise its head, I have compiled a Top 5 list of things not to say or do.

1. If in the fruit section, never mention melons. EVER!

2. Saying hi to a girl while you are both looking at bread is fine. If you’re both looking at the range of sausages …. just don’t. Please don’t!

3. You may think it’s funny to open the conversation with … “I don’t reckon you really need those Tim Tams.” It’s only going to give you a broken nose or a swift kick to the groin.

4. Don’t follow a girl around to try and have a ‘random’ moment to say hi. That’s just creepy … unless they are carrying a copy of ’50 Shades of Grey’ because apparently every woman on the planet now wants a stalker/rapey kinda guy.

5. This is the most important point of all. Never, ever, EVER, try and smile and say hi to someone when they are browsing in the Feminine Hygiene section of the supermarket. Nothing good can come of this. NOTHING!!

On that note … I need to go get a few things from my local Woolies.

Wish me luck :)

Death is too Polite : Blame Stephen

February 11, 2015 / 8 Comments / Posted in: News

I decided to start a blog and really push the usage of my website. Other than for book orders, the site gets lonely. It, understandably, craves attention. And I realised that if I’m going to release these entries into the online wild, they need to provoke something in people and not be as boring as a week-old loaf of bread. They need to make people think for a moment, be angry or sad, or maybe make them just want to tell me I have no idea what I’m talking about. Any response is worthwhile.

So with all that in mind I have no choice but to rant about something that niggles the hell out of me.

 

THE WAY PEOPLE REACT TO DEATH

 

If, via Facebook, a news/media outlet reports the death of someone in, for example, a car accident, we all think it’s a terrible thing. Death sucks and it’s dreadful, no matter how or when it happens.

 

But then what happens?

 

All these online followers of this page who don’t know these people or their families, or in many cases, don’t even live within 100kms of the deceased, start leaving the stock-standard messages that serve no purpose, other than to increase the Facebook stats of the particular media page you follow.

 

“R.I.P” or “My thoughts are with the family” or “What a terrible waste of life.” And my personal favourite … “Such an attractive girl didn’t deserve to die so young.” (Why does how good-looking you are make your death more important, for fuck sake!!)

 

Now … right at this very moment you are thinking that I’m a heartless beast of a man who, obviously, doesn’t care for other people. Guess what? You’re wrong. I’m an incredibly sensitive guy. I even watched The Notebook … liked it quite a lot … and cried at the end.

That makes me compassionate, doesn’t it?

 

So where am I going with all this? It’s simple. These messages are a complete waste of time and for some bizarre reason, you are only writing them there because you feel like you should. You feel like it’s the ‘right thing to do’ … or you want to be seen as ‘human’ in the eyes of others.

Well, here’s the truth of it all. It means JACK SHIT if you didn’t know the person involved or the family. It’s a waste of time. And if you do it just because it makes ‘you’ feel better about the bad things in the world around you … then stop that too, because it won’t change anything. Nothing!

 

Now while we’re on the topic of how we react to death, here’s an interesting point to leave it on.

There is a great movie called St. Vincent starring the amazing acting talent that is Bill Murray.

(SPOILER ALERT) His wife has recently died in the movie and the young boy from next door just finds out and has a short conversation with him out the front of his house. It’s a great moment and it makes you realise that we say things because we think we should, instead of saying the things that mean something.

Young Boy : “I’m sorry, Vin, for your loss.”

Vincent :       “Never understood why people say that.

Young Boy : “They don’t know what else to say.”

Vincent :       “How about … What was she like? Do you miss her?  … What are you gonna do now?”

 

As always, if you don’t like what I’ve said, let me know … but in the end remember that the only thing you can really do is … Blame Stephen!