Since talking about my personal struggle with Depression in a blog post on the 6th of August 2016, a moment that SO many people talked about locally and thanked me for bring out in the open, and still do, there have been, going on the known average, 1395 more suicides in Australia.

1395 deaths in 4 months!!!!!  WOW!!!!!

It’s a forgotten number. A dismissed total unless it hits you personally, and when it does it’s just a single number and it weighs you down more than any statistic could. It’s real. It’s not a number. It’s death and incomprehensible loss.

But the thing is, until or unless it happens to you, no one ever thinks it will.

1395 … and it will be 1403 this time tomorrow. Think about that for a while. And if you’re not reading this straight away, think about how many have died in the time since. On average … 8 people die from suicide every day in this country. It’s so scary … and it’s important. It’s SO important.

Life is a funny thing.

Time is devoured by our past at a more violent pace than any of us, or at least any of us over 40, like to admit.

We turn 18 and life is never-ending. We hit 25 and suddenly we feel like we’re old but have no idea that we’re still a child. 30 arrives and our friends and family jokingly tell us that life is over as we know it. Then, out of the ridiculousness of nowhere, 40 arrives. What the fuck? 40? How the hell did that happen! 40!!

Is such a crazy premise even possible in the reality of what we thought life was? The answer, unfortunately, or fortunately, for many, is yes. 40 arrives before we know it. At 43 myself, I haven’t made it far enough to know yet, but I’m sure that 50, 60 70, and hopefully years beyond that exist too.

I’m a very lucky person, in that both of my parents are in their 70s and are very healthy. I have many friends that aren’t as blessed as I, and I don’t take this luck, and it really is luck, lightly. I don’t see or talk to my parents as often as I should, and the same goes for talking to my two older sisters too, but I can tell you without a word of a lie that I have a better relationship with my family than most wish they could ever have. We all have so much fun in each others company. It’s so good that it almost feels like I’m going to wake up one morning and find that my family is all a dream. I’m an incredibly lucky son and brother. But … I’ve just never been one to need constant family contact, even though that has no bearing on my love for them.

Why I’m bringing all of this up is pretty simple. Topics like depression get mentioned, but are soon forgotten by most unless it’s kept in the public eye. This isn’t because people around us don’t care, most really do, it’s because there are so many life-changing issues to grab our attention from day to day. But we need to remember that life, a journey that slides by at a permanent, out of control rate, can seem fantastic, but it still gets the best of us down. It drags us into hell even when it seems like we have everything that we want. It’s a total bitch! From the outside, everyone else’s life looks easy, perfect, and even what you would wish for. In reality, there is always pain or struggle hidden beneath the surface that everyone else doesn’t see. The life you see as perfect, isnt. The people you want to be like are no better than you. But, your mind sees everything differently and wants this imaginary life that others live in. Our brains are ridiculously funny things and we shouldn’t be scared to tell them to fuck off.

In saying all this, I’m happier at the moment than I remember ever being in my life. There are many reasons for this, the main one being that fact that I survived, to this point, severe depression and am far more conscious of dealing with the triggers that set me off. That doesn’t mean that I don’t hate my life from time to time and don’t want to drag myself into a dark hole and hide away from everyone, it just means I’m surviving … so far.

Most know that I fully admit that I will suffer from depression for the entirety of my life. That’s a truth I don’t hide from, and shouldn’t have to.

There are many moments, mostly obvious but many unknown, that have allowed me to move forward in my life and still be here today to be able to type this, but the main reason is resilience. I’m not the toughest guy on the planet, but I don’t want to die yet. I want to know what else is possible and what else is in my future. It’s all so unknown and I don’t want to miss that, good or bad. I’m not saying I wont have dark moments in my future – I’m a realist – but I’m not planning on giving up on what could be.

So that’s me. What about you?

What about the people you know. If you’re not suffering from some form of depression yourself, people close to you are. That’s a fact. We’re good at hiding it because we still don’t feel like talking about it is accepted. It still makes us feel like we’re weak in your eyes. And because of that, we drink too much, we act like we hate you, we cut ourselves in places you can’t see, we keep ourselves away from others, we think about ways of ending our lives daily, our work suffers, our relationships splinter, our friendships crumble, and we want to run away from everything.

Unless you have suffered from depression, you just don’t get it. That’s not a bad thing, but you just can’t understand how it feels. I encourage everyone who cares about this subject to find out more information so you know how to deal with people around you who suffer from it. Just saying “Snap out if it” or “Just don’t let it worry you” doesn’t work. Depression isn’t a runny nose that you blow to fix, unfortunately.

I’m going to stop typing now because, odds are, you haven’t made it this far. But if you have, you care, so share this post on your Facebook page and help me keep this issue out in the open. Please. You might save a life. It might even be mine. I’m not scared to admit that. Every day is a different day.

If you need someone to talk to, or you know someone who may need help, call Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14. They really can help xx Please don’t give up xx There’s so much love out there waiting for you xx

A few weeks back I decided to throw my fight with depression out into the world on my blog and let everyone pick it to pieces and do what they wished with it. I didn’t write those words to impact anyone. To be honest, I didn’t know if anyone would give a shit, but they did. That late night moment of exposing my damaged soul to the online world, talking about my torrid time with depression, my thoughts about suicide, and just writing it how it is, gained a lot of notice. Who would’ve thought that little old me would make any kind of difference?

I received so many messages and emails from people who are or have suffered from depression and/or suicide attempts. My heart breaks at the thought of how many people are suffering from this bastard of a disease and I was humbled by the fact that by talking about it, it made other people talk about it.

Something else came out of this that was SO unexpected. A friend, Debbie King, asked if I would speak about my struggle with depression at the ‘Out of the Shadows and into the Light’ Suicide Awareness Walk event on 9th September. Now, typing a heap of words on a laptop is one thing, but talking to a few hundred people, many who have been through hell or lost loved ones to it, is in a completely different league. I thought about it, discussed it with my girlfriend, and then decided that it would be a worthy thing to do, as well as a hell of a personal challenge.  Speaking in front of people doesn’t worry me, but ripping open my soul and letting hundreds of strangers see how dark and damaged I’ve been … well that’s a different beast altogether.

I wrote the speech over the period of a week and read it dozens of times until I was ready. Then I asked my girlfriend if I could read it to her and gain her opinion. I cried/had to stop about eight times while reading.

I didn’t have an emotional reaction while reading it to myself in an empty room, but with her there, hearing memories that I hadn’t even shared with her before, it broke me. I didn’t realise how much hurt still sat inside me, hidden away, quietly and nervously waiting to be found.

I was shaky coming up to the night, but I was still confident I could make it through, and I did … but I had (maybe three) moments when the tears broke through. I can’t explain the strength it took for me to be able to continue once that emotional avalanche rolled over me. This was one of the toughest things I’ve ever done, and that’s no exaggeration.

To my surprise, it moved people. There were tears. People I didn’t know hugged me afterwards. I spoke to a wonderful guy later on that is going through what I went through. Apparently I inspired him, and just the thought of that is hard for me to understand. After I finished speaking, I stood aside, taking in deep breaths, trying to regain my composure, watching hundreds of incredible people around me who all stood as one caring, understanding group of true beauty. There are wonderful people in the world … we just need to open our eyes and see them.

I’ve had many people, who weren’t able to make it, ask me how the night went, so I’ve decided to let everyone see my speech here. It’s only in text form to save you seeing a grown man break down. Seriously though, this night was a huge personal achievement for me and has given me a brand new perspective on depression and suicide in our time. It took around ten minutes to read aloud.

I hope you take something away from reading it.

Out of the Shadows and Into the Light  Speech – September 2016

I didn’t really know anything about depression until my marriage ended in 2008, and I started to drink … a lot.

My daily routine turned into … get up and shower, drive to work, make it through the day, go to the bottle shop, buy smokes and a bottle of Jim Beam, drive home, then sit on a chair outside the back door, listening to loud music, chain-smoking and drinking.

When the bottle was empty I went to bed.

Night after night … the same routine … for I don’t know how long.

After a while … it wasn’t every night …. But it was still too often.

Whenever I try and think back on that time, the recollection is confusing.

One day I’d be on top of the world, ready to take on anyone and conquer anything, the next, I wanted to dig the deepest hole and crawl into the darkness forever.

**********

I did have friends keeping an eye on me.

They’d drop in and see how I was doing … and I later found out that it was pretty much a suicide watch.

They could see how far, mentally, I’d fallen.

I wasn’t the man they knew.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling when you find out that your friends believe you might try to kill yourself.

But it’s a wonderful feeling to know you have people who care enough to be there for you.

**********

In the early morning hours of one of my drunken nights all alone, I changed my Facebook photo to a gravestone.

So my friends woke up to find that photo in front of their eyes when they looked at Facebook on their phones … and for all they knew, I’d just said goodbye while they were sleeping.

A good mate came to see me at work that morning and told me that it wasn’t on, that I was never ever to do that again, and that I needed to see someone because no one felt that they were able to help me.

Because that’s the thing with this disease, you don’t actually care about anyone else.

I didn’t do it to shock anyone or to get attention.

I just felt dead, I felt empty, I was a useless shell … and when I saw everyone else’s happy photos portraying who they were, a gravestone made sense to me.

**********

It was somewhere around this time that I really did start to listen to what people were telling me … and understand that I was suffering from depression.

I wasn’t just having a few bad months … I was stuck in the dark and I didn’t know how to get out.

I was told that I should see a doctor. I was sure the answer to getting better would be drugs, but because I’m a writer outside of my day job, I didn’t want to take anything that would dull my creativity.

So, instead, I tried to embrace the fact that I had a problem, and moved forward, thinking the knowledge alone would help.

And in some ways it did.

I started dating someone … and the quantity of really bad days declined.

But they didn’t go away.

They kept coming back … they were impossible to escape from … and this went on for a long time.

**********

Most of that time was a blur … that’s the simplest way to explain it.

But I do remember one evening more clearly than anything else.

I was at home, sitting at my computer, and for no reason I just fell to pieces.

It was like a tsunami of emotions slammed into me and I couldn’t stop it.

I felt trapped and claustrophobic and couldn’t breathe.

I walked out the back door, crying, and stared out across the neighbourhood.

I could see dozens and dozens of houses.

I just stood there, tears streaming down my face.

My girlfriend had followed me outside and asked what was wrong … a question she had to ask way too often.

I said … “How do they do it? … How do they get up every morning, go to work, come home, and go to sleep … knowing they are going to do that same fucking thing every day of the rest of their lives. Nothing will ever change. That’s all they have to look forward to. Nothing else. The same fucking thing over and over and over again ………….. Why aren’t they all killing themselves?”

**********

Something else happened later that night … something I’m not proud of but no longer hide from.

I went online and was chatting to a friend, someone I’d never even met face-to-face, and I sent her a poem I’d written and asked her to pass it on to my family … I couldn’t handle it any longer … I’d finally had enough … I was going to kill myself … and this poem was my goodbye.

She kept me chatting on MSN messenger for nearly 2 hours until I said goodnight.

This person, someone I hardly knew, went to bed that night expecting to wake up to the news that I’d taken my own life … knowing she’d have to tell my family that she was the last person to ever talk to me.

Instead … she managed to talk me out of it and I went to work the next morning.

I have no recollection of what was said between us that night, but knowing my own mind and how I was back then, it would have been darker than most people could understand.

It’s a pretty safe bet that she saved my life.

**********

I just gave up giving a shit about everything.

I didn’t care about my appearance.

I grew my hair long and grew a beard because I couldn’t be bothered shaving and getting my hair cut.

I put on a lot of weight.

I’ve never been a slim guy, but that was the heaviest I’ve ever been.

I was demoted at work from my management role.

I was drinking too much, smoking all the time, eating crap food, and not caring about anything.

The ups were so high and the lows were worse than I like to admit.

I wasn’t a nice guy a lot of the time.

I can admit that now. I have to.

Because you can’t hide from your past. You can only learn from it.

The journey I was on destroyed my relationships with women.

It crushed some friendships.

It wrecked my job.

It hammered my health, physically and mentally.

And the stress on my family was terrible.

And even though I didn’t take any prescribed drugs because I didn’t want to screw up my creativity, I didn’t actually write a word worth reading during that whole time.

I look back at that time in my life and wonder if it would’ve been easier if I’d seen a doctor and gained some help but I’ll never know.

**********

Somewhere along the way though, for whatever reason, I slowly started to claw my way back.

I’d never wanted to travel but it was time to do something unexpected in an attempt to jolt me back to the me I used to know, so I decided to do a solo road trip holiday in the USA and gave up my 30 to 40 a day smoking habit, cold turkey, to pay for most of it.

When I gave up smoking I started running a bit and ran the Burnie and Devonport 10k runs.

This was a huge personal achievement.

The shadow hadn’t left me … but I was starting to win.

**********

See here’s the thing …

People are not designed to be alone, it’s not in our make-up, and that’s where depression gains its strength, because it forces you into the shadows, it talks you into being by yourself.

Depression makes you think that isolation is YOUR idea.

And because of that, you like it. You even crave it.

When I let the darkness in, the more isolated I am, the better … and I hate myself for it.

This is why having caring people around you is so important.

Without them, that son-of-a-bitch gets us every time … and we, all of us, need to make sure it doesn’t win.

Talking about depression and talking about suicide is so important. Bringing it out in the open takes away the control it has over us.

**********

People ask me how long my depression lasted for, because it seemed like such a long time.

When I look back, and if I don’t sugar-coat it, I had depression for 4 very tough years.

Now that seems like ages … but I realise now that I will have depression for the rest of my life.

I still feel it there, scratching at me every time something goes slightly wrong or if I drink that little bit too much.

It’s like there’s an extra shadow walking with me everywhere I go, and it’s just waiting for that right moment to creep inside my skin and wear my face like a mask, pretending to be me, when in truth, the real me would be inside screaming to get out.

That’s why I got my first tattoo, 2 years ago, a reminder of a truth within me that I will constantly face.

It’s on my right arm and reads “You’ll discover that the monster you are running from is the monster in you”.

**********

I understand and accept that this disease is with me forever … and that I’ll always be fighting it.

The most important thing to me now is to be happy and mentally fit. It’s my life-long promise to myself.

There’s so much beauty in this world and I’m not going to let anything take that away from me.

Depression can go to hell … because I’m not scared of it … not anymore!

There are times when, for no logical reason, I feel an almost nervous need to share my feelings about a period of my life that I shouldn’t want a share. Fuck it! Who am I trying to kid? Myself? This only ever happens when I’m drinking, which is exactly what I’m doing now. Alcohol is a doorway to my darkness, a key to my internal conundrum. The bitch welcomes me in with open arms. It’s always been an opening to a place that I fucking hate and would love to stab in the face and spit on, but also need, because it’s part of me … forever, even though just admitting that makes me sick and disappointed in my own existence. It makes me feel disconnected from most of the people in my humanity network. It’s that annoying member of the family that you don’t talk about, but can’t get rid of. We all have the one person we’re related to that is just not worth the time … be honest … you could name them instantly. If you can’t then you’re probably the one your relatives are bagging out. In this instance though, it’s not a relative.

The thing I hate, the charcoal cloud that floats close by and never leaves, is depression.

It’s a word that’s gained acceptance, and is almost cool enough to chat about, but is still as hard as fuck to discuss, because just mentioning it makes it real. This shady friend arrived at some stage after my wife left me in 2008. I don’t blame her for this unexpected dark interaction, not now I’ve had years to evaluate those moments, because all roads lead two ways. She was, and still is, a beautiful person, and I’m incredibly honoured to have had her love in my life. I realise now that there were always demons tangled deep inside me, wrangling patiently, waiting to tighten their grip around my throat when the time was right. But here’s the killer. Here’s the cliff-hanger. When they grabbed, they strangled the absolute fuck out of me. Depression is such a difficult creature to put into words because there isn’t a feeling that fits. No words can truly explain what depression is. I think this is the main reason why people struggle to understand it and just wave it off by saying generic things like … “Snap out of it” … “Be more positive” … and “Just forget about it, it’ll be okay”. Depression isn’t a choice. It’s a painful, dilapidating disease that controls every minute of every day, and all of those seconds that make up those valuable minutes of life are smothered with a stank, wet blanket that is too heavy to lift away. You drown every day and positivity and clarity are a fantasy forever out of reach. Imagine having hot tar poured over you every day while the people closest to you are telling you that it’ll all be okay. It’s an unexplainable son-of-a-bitch. And everyone around you looks happy. Every fucking person looks like they are out of a magazine or starring in your favourite TV show … and you hate them for it. They all look so fucking perfect … the exact opposite of how you feel and what you see when you glimpse a reflection of yourself. I realised that I had some serious issues (something that drinking a bottle of bourbon every evening after work should have pointed out) after a friend, who I consider my brother, told me that suddenly changing my Facebook profile photo overnight to a gravestone wasn’t cool. Not cool at all! It threw up a few warning flags to those close to me. All I knew was that, at the time while drinking and listening to Breaking Benjamin, that photo was exactly how I felt. Dead. Inside and outside. Dead as fuck. So why not change my photo to how I was feeling. At the time there was no realisation or consideration for how anyone else would feel. I didn’t care at the time. It wasn’t done to get a reaction. I truly didn’t give a shit. The fact that someone cared enough the next day to phone and talk to me about it wasn’t something I was grateful for, it was painful. It didn’t change the road I was on, but in reflection, I’m glad that someone cared.

A painful memory stands out within the dark fog that controlled that stage of depression in my mid 30s (approximately 5 fucking years) I had a girlfriend during that time. I was looking after my parents’ house and she was there with me. I suddenly felt a wave of unexplainable sadness and walked outside to look at Penguin, my home town. I looked out over the hundreds of houses and just cried. My girlfriend asked what was wrong. My recollection (in my mind) of that moment still makes me uncomfortable. I said, “How do they do it? How do they get up every morning, go to work, come home, and go sleep … knowing they are going to do that same fucking thing every day of the rest of their lives. Nothing will ever change. That’s all they have to look forward to. Nothing else. The same fucking thing over and over again!”

But here’s the thing I said next. This is the part that gives me shivers, that gives me goose bumps while I’m typing this … because I still remember the feeling I had as though it was five minutes ago. I said … “How do they do it? Why aren’t they killing themselves?”

I truly couldn’t understand how they could deal with knowing that the rest of their lives were just a repeat of the mundane, nothing else to look forward to, because my mind didn’t believe there was anything out there worth living for. That dread, that loneliness, that false realisation of how I perceived life to be a repetitive hell, was so utterly smothering that the memory of it brings forth tears just typing these words. It felt, and the memory stills feels, so fucking real.

My girlfriend at the time was/is an incredible woman and didn’t deserve the crap that my screwed up head pummelled her with. I’m still sorry for what I put her through, and for what I don’t realise I put her through. I wasn’t a good person then. I deserve no forgiveness, but I didn’t know any other way to be. I was a mental mess, even when I thought I was happy.

I should have seen a doctor and looked into medication and/or talked to someone about my problems when it was really bad, but I didn’t want to. It wasn’t because I was being typically male. I just didn’t want drugs to dull my creativity, but the ironic thing is, I didn’t write a damn word worth reading during that time. Not a thing. I kept deleting everything because I didn’t believe it was worthy. Funny, huh! I should have talked to someone. I believe, now, that it would have helped, but I was stubborn. Dealing with depression wasn’t as open back then though. It’s amazing how different thing have become in the last few years. Our communities have become more accommodating and understanding and open. We have a long way to go in many areas, but we’re getting there. I have such hope for the human race and where we are heading. Depression is talked about. It’s not a hidden topic. It’s a son-of-a-bitch and can go fuck itself, but having it out in the open is fantastic.

I still have days when I know it’s watching me (That’s why I have a tattoo on my right arm to remind me that I’m just fighting myself). There are days when that black dog is growling and wanting to be fed. It’s tough, because after coming so far it’s such a kick in the guts to realise it’s never truly going to leave me. Depression is a life sentence. That’s just how it is. But I’m prepared to fight the fucker until I have nothing left, and if you see me fall, give me a hand. I promise I’ll appreciate it.

Please, if you know people who are going through dark times, even if you think they are just looking for attention, show them some anyway, because they may really need it. You may save a life. Is there anything more worthy of your time?

It was always dark and morbid – a doorway, a mental release.
I haven’t written poetry for years, and to be honest, I wasn’t very good at it, but it served its purpose.
So … for something a little different … I give you ‘Imagination Cage’.

Imagination Cage

I live this life like a useless grain of salt.

Rubbed into a wound that will forever be my fault.

I try to reach out, to grasp what should be there.

And every time my grip tightens, hidden in the dark, it stares.

I struggle to find the answer within this torrid wave of rage.

Perhaps my heart is just a cruel mirage in an imagination cage.

The hope will always linger while that thing in the dark looks on.

But I’ll always know, deep inside this shell, the chance is forever gone.

© Troy Barnes 2009